Money Stories & Relationships

As humans we learn through stories.  Before pen and paper, or quill and papyrus, we told stories to share important information across generations.  Even now, we are more likely to remember a story which includes some facts, than if the facts were just told to us.

Watching my 8 year old daughter learn to read has reinforced the power of stories.  This is how she is learning, and her ability to read is increasing as she can read more stories and learn new words that way.

In short, stories are powerful.

So, with that in mind, imagine the power Money Stories have over us! 

We all have our own money stories, and these show up in a variety of ways.  It can be in the language we use ("I'm just not good with money", or "I can never stick to a budget"), or in how we behave ("oh, I've maxed out my credit card, again!").

Then, being in relationship multiples the number of stories!  Quite often, our stories are from our childhood, and so if two people have different childhood experiences with money, then there will be potentially conflicting money stories to contend with.

Stereotypically there is often a "spender" and a "saver" in a relationship.  This is NOT gender dependent at all, contrary to usual stereotype. If this happens, it can cause a lot of tension, as the "saver" then tends to pull the financial reigns in tighter, which then triggers the "spender" to spend to release the feeling of tightness!  So the opposite happens to what the "saver" is trying to achieve.

1. Awareness - recognise that Money Stories exist, and start to pay attention to yours.  You can't change what you can't identify.
2. Language & Communication - be aware of the words you are using around money, especially with your partner.  Tune in to what they are saying about money and gently pull them up when they say things that aren't helping the money situation.
3. Kindness - neither you nor your partner are intentionally trying to sabotage your financial life.  Come from a place of kindness and look to the source of what is going on.  Sometimes it could be dissatisfaction with work, frustration with a family relationship or even bad habits that they aren't even aware of. Money is emotive, and showing kindness when you're worried and frustrated can be difficult.  Focus on using constructive language, and pointing out that it's the behaviour, not the person that you are talking about.  When someone feels personally attacked it's very difficult to have a constructive conversation.
4. Habits - work out what negative money habits you currently have, and decide how to change them.  Keep in mind that you will need to write down these new habits and make sure that you keep yourself accountable (or you and your partner can keep each other accountable) for at least 60 days, to help make sure that these habits stick.  If something isn't working, tweak it.  Don't just discard it and go back to your old habits.

Above all else, remember that you are human, and no one is perfect.  Take it one step at a time.